I regret breaking up with you

And I am sorry for treating you like a revolving door. You deserve more.

From this day forward, you will never be my lover again. The reality has stabbed me deep in my heart and I don’t know why I was so naive to think breaking up with you again and again will have no consequences.

For the rest of my life we will never cuddle, we will never say I love you, we will never make love, we will never talk for hours and laugh and get mad at each other again. No more camping trips. No more hanging with friends. Its all gone.

Never again in my life will I be with my lover and best friend. I can’t believe I ever thought that was ok.

The weight of this truth is hard to deal with and even harder to accept its all my fault. Am i so ignorant?

I am sorry I failed you. Im sorry.

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My values

1. Choice
2. Independence
3. Autonomy
4. Freedom
5. Patience
6. Intelligence
7. Hard working
8. Forgiveness
9. Humbleness
10. Compassion
11. Love
12. High self esteem
13. Positivity
14. Authenticity
15. Integrity
16. Ambition
17. Social responsibility
18. Respect
19. Education
20. Growth/evolution
21. Responsibility
22. Equality
23. Fitness
24. Service

I am done today

My ex boyfriend, my very first boyfriend taught me that I am deserving of love. I look back and appreciate everything he has done for me. He has encouraged a healthy love for  nature, sarcasm, and animie. When I think about him, I know he loved me unconditionally and I appreciate it, and he gave me no less than I deserved.

It only spoke to his big heart and sensitive nature. I loved who he is, who he remains to be and am lucky to have spent two years with him.

I think this is why it is important to have choice and be independent and take responsibility for yourself. Because when you do things for yourself and it doesn’t work out, you cant blame anyone. It was your choice.

Also, if a person chooses to be with you, its amazing because, you realize they want to be there, they don’t need to be.

And when they choose to not be with you anymore, you must respect their choice. Their choice to be with you or not means they do not want to be. That they don’t need to be without you, but are choosing to be without you. There’s a healthy sense of independence when you dont stay with someone anymore out of choice.

To be honest, I was getting confused and making the relationship harder between us.

That is also alright.  no one is a victim and no one is a bully.

I look back on that man and I appreciate everything. This man really loved me. I loved him.

But I CHOSE not to be with him. I did not want to be with him anymore for my own reasons.

It brings me joy that he is one step closer to the woman he is going to marry. It brings me joy to know he will be happy again with a woman  he deserves and will provide for and she, is a lucky woman.

Similarly,  I will find the person who I am meant to be with and will be with forever.
We will be happy and I will find the best man.

If it was meant to be, it would have been,  but it didn’t work out so why should i be bitter and not move on?

I have a lot of growing up and learning to do. I have to strengthen myself and who I am, and enjoy being single again.

I need to fall back in love with myself.

Choice

The responsibility of being an adult is often between two choices. Slaves, animals, and children often don’t have the ability to choose.

But like all Good things choice is key. If you remove someone’s choice you are putting them in an inferior position. You are removing their ability to have agency be autonomous; in control of their lives.

Evolution

Things are constantly reaching the old dtandard and conquering by vreatong a new standard. That’s evolution. What used to be at the top grows to be the bottom.

Like the high school diploma is like finishing middle school. The aa degree is the high school diploma. The ba degree is the new aa degree and the masters is the new ba. Phd is the new masters. I’m happy to be part of this evolutionary process.

I was pregnant

For 7 weeks I was preparing to be your mom. And while I debated over keeping you or not I knew I loved you and was going to make the best choice. But my family bated the idea of birthing you and later, I had a miraculous miscarriage inside a Planned Parenthood,  the day I was going to abort you,  you decided to leave on your own and you saved your mommy.

I miscarried you and I felt responsible. Although, I know it isn’t my fault you’re gone per say,  but you needed a safe home inside me and for your development.

I’m still grieving the loss of my daughter Amelia Ye.

I cheated myself

Everytime I missed class, every time I didn’t do my homework on time, every time I chose to not go with the rate of development of my fellow classmates, and ultimately,  fall below I cheated mtself. I did not allow for myself to grow and really get the information I need to move on to the next level. I harmed myself and I ruined potential relationships with teachers that could have been more positive; now I am seen as burdern.

I wasted the tax payers money. I wasted my teachers time and my classmates time by being ill prepared, i didn’t contribute to the growth of my intellectual community. Rather I burderned it  and I wasted my family’s time and energy and money. The time they used to work so they could provide gas for my car and clothes on my body and food in my tummy and a roof over my head; I wasted it.

I have shame. I really screwed myself up here. To distract from the pain of really letting myself and my priorities down I dated and did other distracting activities to avpid responsibility.

Now, I am trying to make up for lost time that I will never get back again. Especially with 70 percent of the quarter completely done, its a ridiculous unrealistic effort to attempt to get an A in a course where I needed to show up everyday to do so.

I accept that I have had a historical precedence of not trying my bedt academically. It is called underachieving and it is one of my many sins.

I understand that, if I had put in my best effort in the time I was supposed to, I would be in a very different position in my life.

They say its never too late to change. I don’t have to have a deterministic view on my future.

But truthfully, when I sit in class and listen I have these two thoughts
1. I am embarassed of myself. I don’t deserve to be here. You can tell the bottom from the top and I am academically sitting on the bottom of the class, when I know I should be at the top. The class isn’t tbat hard. But my teachers don’t know my potential. Coupled with my darkskin and gender, it isn’t me they are expecting to succeed.

The second thought, and the most annoyong is when I compare myself to other students its apparent how far ahead they are.  Not because tjeyre better than me.

My life is quite simple and easy, I am just wasting away my life oppurtinity to really go far and beyond without the stresses of this capitalistic system.

How dare I sink below, academically, financially,  physically, and socially when there are people who would die to be in my situation.

What the hell is my problem?