I am done today

My ex boyfriend, my very first boyfriend taught me that I am deserving of love. I look back and appreciate everything he has done for me. He has encouraged a healthy love for  nature, sarcasm, and animie. When I think about him, I know he loved me unconditionally and I appreciate it, and he gave me no less than I deserved.

It only spoke to his big heart and sensitive nature. I loved who he is, who he remains to be and am lucky to have spent two years with him.

I think this is why it is important to have choice and be independent and take responsibility for yourself. Because when you do things for yourself and it doesn’t work out, you cant blame anyone. It was your choice.

Also, if a person chooses to be with you, its amazing because, you realize they want to be there, they don’t need to be.

And when they choose to not be with you anymore, you must respect their choice. Their choice to be with you or not means they do not want to be. That they don’t need to be without you, but are choosing to be without you. There’s a healthy sense of independence when you dont stay with someone anymore out of choice.

To be honest, I was getting confused and making the relationship harder between us.

That is also alright.  no one is a victim and no one is a bully.

I look back on that man and I appreciate everything. This man really loved me. I loved him.

But I CHOSE not to be with him. I did not want to be with him anymore for my own reasons.

It brings me joy that he is one step closer to the woman he is going to marry. It brings me joy to know he will be happy again with a woman  he deserves and will provide for and she, is a lucky woman.

Similarly,  I will find the person who I am meant to be with and will be with forever.
We will be happy and I will find the best man.

If it was meant to be, it would have been,  but it didn’t work out so why should i be bitter and not move on?

I have a lot of growing up and learning to do. I have to strengthen myself and who I am, and enjoy being single again.

I need to fall back in love with myself.

Choice

The responsibility of being an adult is often between two choices. Slaves, animals, and children often don’t have the ability to choose.

But like all Good things choice is key. If you remove someone’s choice you are putting them in an inferior position. You are removing their ability to have agency be autonomous; in control of their lives.

Evolution

Things are constantly reaching the old dtandard and conquering by vreatong a new standard. That’s evolution. What used to be at the top grows to be the bottom.

Like the high school diploma is like finishing middle school. The aa degree is the high school diploma. The ba degree is the new aa degree and the masters is the new ba. Phd is the new masters. I’m happy to be part of this evolutionary process.

I was pregnant

For 7 weeks I was preparing to be your mom. And while I debated over keeping you or not I knew I loved you and was going to make the best choice. But my family bated the idea of birthing you and later, I had a miraculous miscarriage inside a Planned Parenthood,  the day I was going to abort you,  you decided to leave on your own and you saved your mommy.

I miscarried you and I felt responsible. Although, I know it isn’t my fault you’re gone per say,  but you needed a safe home inside me and for your development.

I’m still grieving the loss of my daughter Amelia Ye.

I cheated myself

Everytime I missed class, every time I didn’t do my homework on time, every time I chose to not go with the rate of development of my fellow classmates, and ultimately,  fall below I cheated mtself. I did not allow for myself to grow and really get the information I need to move on to the next level. I harmed myself and I ruined potential relationships with teachers that could have been more positive; now I am seen as burdern.

I wasted the tax payers money. I wasted my teachers time and my classmates time by being ill prepared, i didn’t contribute to the growth of my intellectual community. Rather I burderned it  and I wasted my family’s time and energy and money. The time they used to work so they could provide gas for my car and clothes on my body and food in my tummy and a roof over my head; I wasted it.

I have shame. I really screwed myself up here. To distract from the pain of really letting myself and my priorities down I dated and did other distracting activities to avpid responsibility.

Now, I am trying to make up for lost time that I will never get back again. Especially with 70 percent of the quarter completely done, its a ridiculous unrealistic effort to attempt to get an A in a course where I needed to show up everyday to do so.

I accept that I have had a historical precedence of not trying my bedt academically. It is called underachieving and it is one of my many sins.

I understand that, if I had put in my best effort in the time I was supposed to, I would be in a very different position in my life.

They say its never too late to change. I don’t have to have a deterministic view on my future.

But truthfully, when I sit in class and listen I have these two thoughts
1. I am embarassed of myself. I don’t deserve to be here. You can tell the bottom from the top and I am academically sitting on the bottom of the class, when I know I should be at the top. The class isn’t tbat hard. But my teachers don’t know my potential. Coupled with my darkskin and gender, it isn’t me they are expecting to succeed.

The second thought, and the most annoyong is when I compare myself to other students its apparent how far ahead they are.  Not because tjeyre better than me.

My life is quite simple and easy, I am just wasting away my life oppurtinity to really go far and beyond without the stresses of this capitalistic system.

How dare I sink below, academically, financially,  physically, and socially when there are people who would die to be in my situation.

What the hell is my problem?

Pain

Is like a mark on the road. Keep going forward.

God Tests Us

For awhile,  I was stuck in this rut. I didn’t know why I was and how I got here. But recently,  I had a breakthrough in my life. I simply chose God again. I SIMPLY CHOSE to not be who I used to be because of fear and overwhelmed by sin, instead I chose God. I realize that the road less traveled to godhood is a choice and a hard one. In order to solidfy ones commitment God gives you a choice. I chose God. While I am not sure where this we lead I am happy to not be where I once was.

Spiral Theory

You start off needing your parents. Depending on their love and care for everything. You trust what they say, until you don’t.
Welcome to adolescence. You rebel to try to separate yourself. To form your identity and know who you are. Until you don’t.

You then can understand their own way. You begin to see what they tried to explain. You accept they want the best for you and although you don’t need them,  you’re happy to have them around.

It’s amazing how much you can return back to the orginal step. You come back to where you were but with a little difference.

Like moving along a spiral.

Capitalism, Celluar Growth and Equality

I believe that there is universal truth. That truth can be recreated and adapted to multiple situations, however the same general truth is maintained. For example,  I believe that there is a parallel truth found in mathematics that can be applied to biology, to ecology,  to astronomy,  to physics, to sociology to your own personal philosophy.  Everything is interconnected and based on a foundation of truth. For example, you have your own personal identity and character. Who you are is brought into every situation. You can be a mother, a nurse,  a student,  and activist and these aren’t mutually exclusive experiences of yourself. Rather, they are like many rooms in the same house.
Similarly,  the sciences are not mutually exclusive but all reflections on the same basic universal truth. These laws of nature, these basic truths, are non negotiating. They can’t be changed.

.The Law of Evolution. The Law of Relationships  The Law of Equilibrium The Law of Change. The Law of Big To Small/ Material/Immaterial Exo/Endo Hyper/Hypo

As I struggle with knowing what/who I am and where I should go in life, I read in Naomi Kieln’s book “Capitalism vs the Climate” and she says, we have two options either grow or die.

I choose to grow. I think human beings have a natural tendency to take the road that doesn’t challenge them. To be passive. To take the easy route because,  taking the route that requires sacrifice,  letting go of the past, and work, is forever frightening.

However,  humans are becoming the strongest biological actors in shifting the Environment. If we do not change, humanity is in for the worst extinction of life that has ever been.

There is a relationship between humanity and the environment. Humans are like children, and the environment is the mother who supports us. If we continue to abuse mom, we will not have a house anymore!

In Biology,  cells exist in their cellular environment. They require food and energy to maintain growth and equilibrium. In order for a cell to dp this, the cell must allow some things to come through the semi permeable membrane and allow some things to not. According to biology,  there are two types of movement or transport that allows cells to do this. There is passive and active transport.

For passive transport to occur,  it requires no energy. It moves to a natural gradient,  from high concentration to low concentration.

When your neighborhood becomes to crowded, you move to the country where there is a small amount of people.

A cell does this naturally. If the amount of concentration outside of the cell is greater than the amount of concentration inside the cell (high external, low external) the cell will allow material (some) to pass into the cell in order to equalize it. The cell needs to maintain homeostasis. It is her only goal. Therefore if the internal environment is suddenly too concentrated,  she will (low external, high internal) release material outside the cell, past the membrane and into the cell environment.

This concentration gradient,  the movement of high concentration into low concentration is a rule for life. Think about when you were younger to now. Gradually, you have evolved to be less energetic than when you started. This is because,  as the environment changes over time, the cell, or you, must also change in order to maintain balance. Evolution.

Thus, the internal environment of the cell is very important. If the internal environment of the cell is too highly concentrated and the external environment is too highly concentrated,  the cell will die.

The cell needs to be at an equal amount of concentration internally and externally to maintain equilibrium,  and she makes changes accordingly whenever that isn’t the case.
If we blow up the cell to represent people, and people represent society,  it can be understood that
1. A society is healthy when it is at equilibrium and equality (socially, politically, fisically) is what we must always strive for if it isn’t the case
2. A society, like the cell, must have q healthy and equal relationship with its environment.
3. Society must constantly move from high to low concentration

Here’s what’s interesting,  Capitalism is a highly energetic social system. It requires a ridiculous amount of fossil fuels to maintain its self.

This happens in cells as well. Whenever a cell requires energy to go against its natural concentration gradient (high to low,  to low to high) it needs energy to do so( ATP). Thus it can be understood, that the Capitalistic system we live in, where profit is made when things that are low in cost get high returns, on a consistent basis is creating an environment that is near death. If a cell continued to bring low to high endo transport,  eventually it would deflate, shrink and die.

Capitalism is no different. If we continue to consume too much of the world’s energy resources and move higher and higher against the concentration gradient we will explode.

We need to shift to a society that is low to little energy in order to survive.

Expectations

There is an inverse relationship between expectations and reality. Expectations are false hopes and have no standing in what is actually here.

The more I expect someone to do something, to wish, to hope, to think without any true connection to truth,  the less I am willing to act, I am willing to give, the more likely I am to be let down.

I have always maintained that the only expectations one should have is of themselves. But even that can become tricky.