I cheated myself

Everytime I missed class, every time I didn’t do my homework on time, every time I chose to not go with the rate of development of my fellow classmates, and ultimately,  fall below I cheated mtself. I did not allow for myself to grow and really get the information I need to move on to the next level. I harmed myself and I ruined potential relationships with teachers that could have been more positive; now I am seen as burdern.

I wasted the tax payers money. I wasted my teachers time and my classmates time by being ill prepared, i didn’t contribute to the growth of my intellectual community. Rather I burderned it  and I wasted my family’s time and energy and money. The time they used to work so they could provide gas for my car and clothes on my body and food in my tummy and a roof over my head; I wasted it.

I have shame. I really screwed myself up here. To distract from the pain of really letting myself and my priorities down I dated and did other distracting activities to avpid responsibility.

Now, I am trying to make up for lost time that I will never get back again. Especially with 70 percent of the quarter completely done, its a ridiculous unrealistic effort to attempt to get an A in a course where I needed to show up everyday to do so.

I accept that I have had a historical precedence of not trying my bedt academically. It is called underachieving and it is one of my many sins.

I understand that, if I had put in my best effort in the time I was supposed to, I would be in a very different position in my life.

They say its never too late to change. I don’t have to have a deterministic view on my future.

But truthfully, when I sit in class and listen I have these two thoughts
1. I am embarassed of myself. I don’t deserve to be here. You can tell the bottom from the top and I am academically sitting on the bottom of the class, when I know I should be at the top. The class isn’t tbat hard. But my teachers don’t know my potential. Coupled with my darkskin and gender, it isn’t me they are expecting to succeed.

The second thought, and the most annoyong is when I compare myself to other students its apparent how far ahead they are.  Not because tjeyre better than me.

My life is quite simple and easy, I am just wasting away my life oppurtinity to really go far and beyond without the stresses of this capitalistic system.

How dare I sink below, academically, financially,  physically, and socially when there are people who would die to be in my situation.

What the hell is my problem?

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