I am a fool

My heart aches, my mind is in sorrow, we are gone.

I feel empty, like a bag, being blown by the wind.

I feel regret, and guilt.

I feel sad, that I could hurt such a beautiful man like you.

I said I would never do it, but I did it, multiple times. Now you are gone, forever.

You were the man I told myself, I wanted to marry. I never felt love for anyone, until I met you. You were the man I was building my future with you in mind. And I let it all go.

I feel like, you are the only one who has ever understood me- who I could be naked around.

You were the only one who accepted me, and now that is gone.

I want you back so badly. The pain of living life without you forever is breaking my soul.

I weep for hurting you

I weep for losing you

I regret breaking up with you

And I am sorry for treating you like a revolving door. You deserve more.

From this day forward, you will never be my lover again. The reality has stabbed me deep in my heart and I don’t know why I was so naive to think breaking up with you again and again will have no consequences.

For the rest of my life we will never cuddle, we will never say I love you, we will never make love, we will never talk for hours and laugh and get mad at each other again. No more camping trips. No more hanging with friends. Its all gone.

Never again in my life will I be with my lover and best friend. I can’t believe I ever thought that was ok.

The weight of this truth is hard to deal with and even harder to accept its all my fault. Am i so ignorant?

I am sorry I failed you. Im sorry.

My values

1. Choice
2. Independence
3. Autonomy
4. Freedom
5. Patience
6. Intelligence
7. Hard working
8. Forgiveness
9. Humbleness
10. Compassion
11. Love
12. High self esteem
13. Positivity
14. Authenticity
15. Integrity
16. Ambition
17. Social responsibility
18. Respect
19. Education
20. Growth/evolution
21. Responsibility
22. Equality
23. Fitness
24. Service

I am done today

My ex boyfriend, my very first boyfriend taught me that I am deserving of love. I look back and appreciate everything he has done for me. He has encouraged a healthy love for  nature, sarcasm, and animie. When I think about him, I know he loved me unconditionally and I appreciate it, and he gave me no less than I deserved.

It only spoke to his big heart and sensitive nature. I loved who he is, who he remains to be and am lucky to have spent two years with him.

I think this is why it is important to have choice and be independent and take responsibility for yourself. Because when you do things for yourself and it doesn’t work out, you cant blame anyone. It was your choice.

Also, if a person chooses to be with you, its amazing because, you realize they want to be there, they don’t need to be.

And when they choose to not be with you anymore, you must respect their choice. Their choice to be with you or not means they do not want to be. That they don’t need to be without you, but are choosing to be without you. There’s a healthy sense of independence when you dont stay with someone anymore out of choice.

To be honest, I was getting confused and making the relationship harder between us.

That is also alright.  no one is a victim and no one is a bully.

I look back on that man and I appreciate everything. This man really loved me. I loved him.

But I CHOSE not to be with him. I did not want to be with him anymore for my own reasons.

It brings me joy that he is one step closer to the woman he is going to marry. It brings me joy to know he will be happy again with a woman  he deserves and will provide for and she, is a lucky woman.

Similarly,  I will find the person who I am meant to be with and will be with forever.
We will be happy and I will find the best man.

If it was meant to be, it would have been,  but it didn’t work out so why should i be bitter and not move on?

I have a lot of growing up and learning to do. I have to strengthen myself and who I am, and enjoy being single again.

I need to fall back in love with myself.

Choice

The responsibility of being an adult is often between two choices. Slaves, animals, and children often don’t have the ability to choose.

But like all Good things choice is key. If you remove someone’s choice you are putting them in an inferior position. You are removing their ability to have agency be autonomous; in control of their lives.

Evolution

Things are constantly reaching the old dtandard and conquering by vreatong a new standard. That’s evolution. What used to be at the top grows to be the bottom.

Like the high school diploma is like finishing middle school. The aa degree is the high school diploma. The ba degree is the new aa degree and the masters is the new ba. Phd is the new masters. I’m happy to be part of this evolutionary process.

I was pregnant

For 7 weeks I was preparing to be your mom. And while I debated over keeping you or not I knew I loved you and was going to make the best choice. But my family bated the idea of birthing you and later, I had a miraculous miscarriage inside a Planned Parenthood,  the day I was going to abort you,  you decided to leave on your own and you saved your mommy.

I miscarried you and I felt responsible. Although, I know it isn’t my fault you’re gone per say,  but you needed a safe home inside me and for your development.

I’m still grieving the loss of my daughter Amelia Ye.